Sunday, September 26, 2010

You can go back again, but should you?

Hello blog peeps. I hope that you are staying cool wherever you are because it's about a million degrees here where I am. Yes, it a dry heat, but it's a million degrees out and dry. Blech. I can't really complain as it only gets this way for a couple of weeks a year here and the rest of the year, it's pretty great weather. So, I shouldn't complain, but I do.

This weekend I did something that is very unlike me. I am a firm believer of putting the past in the past. That's why they call it the past. If you were supposed to continue to deal with it, it would be called the present. But, in fact, it's called the past and that is where it should remain.

This weekend I took Aha on a tour of my high school. We broke the law - yes we did - we trespassed. The gate was open and we wandered in. Many of the buildings were being painted and so the workmen were in and out of the campus and thus the opportunity presented itself to wander around.

Now, it's probably important to tell you that not only do I believe that the past should remain just that, the past, but high school in particular. Let's just say, it's not one of my fondest memories for a multitude of reasons.

I'm no different than many people, I was insecure (though at my reunions, everyone seems to want to tell me how 'together' I seemed) and while I thought I knew basically who I was, evidently in retrospect, I had no clue.

I also, was desperate, I mean desperate (but very serious - all hail Adam Ant!) to be someone's girlfriend. This was a very real issue for me. My parents had met practically at birth (middle school) and therefore I knew no different. I knew that I wouldn't meet my Mr. Right in middle or high school, but I was seriously ready for Mr. For the Moment, or Mr. Take Me to The Dances, or Mr. Ask Me to Wear His Letterman Jacket, and/or Mr. Walk Around Holding my Hand and Being Proud to Date me. I wasn't picky.

It wouldn't be for another 20+ years (23+ if you start in the 10th grade - the beginning of high school back when the earth was cooling) that I would find out that my suitors were there, right there, making up the starting line of the football team, the basketball team and in my classes but they didn't think they could come up and talk with me because they were too intimidated (or so they say - I'm going with it and if it turns out it was a lie, please don't feel like you need to burst my bubble).


As Hawkeye said to Trapper, "[I] screwed up in reverse!".

So, when Aha and I walked onto the campus it was an interesting moment. I had been back one other time a few years ago to speak to the College Night Parents (I will post that summary in the next blog so you can read how it went) but other than that quick trip, I hadn't walked around the campus in 20+ years.

And with good reason.

Woosh are there a lot of ghosts there. They seem to live in the cafeteria area - outside the buildings, in the areas that are now paved but used to be, I'm not even sure what, dirt? Grass? The ghosts of my high school career lay in wait there. But because I had Aha with me (and another secret weapon) I felt protected.

It's true - I wasn't alone, which is how I felt so often there. I wasn't afraid to come around a corner because someone scary would be there. My security team yesterday wouldn't let that happen to me. They wouldn't let the mean kids make faces at me. They wouldn't let the immature high schoolers accuse me of something I never did.

Most importantly, they would never let me forget I'm smart (they told me that yesterday too - not knowing how important it was for me to hear). Very very often at that school I felt sooooo un-smart. So far below expectations and I never knew why, but once that snowball gets a 'rollin, it can't be stopped.

Yesterday was another step in putting that part of the past, really in the past.

Very recently a person from my way back past who resurfaced (think elementary school) asked me why I didn't use my maiden name in social networks etc . I told this person that I'm in contact with the people that I would like to be from my past and not feeling a deep need to reconnect with others.

So, does knowing you can go back again mean you should? I'm still not sure. But I'll tell you this; don't go without your security team.

And no, you can't have mine. Get your own.

It's not easy being green,

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